365 days of Separation

"Even when more time passes, it doesn't necessarily get easier. You just become more accepting of the things you can't change."

365 days ago, I was scrambling for the last couple of things to put in my bag. 

I was finishing up the final touches of the kids' gifts and putting them into a box

I was gathering the belongings I didn't want to take back to America with me. 

I was preparing to leave home. 

I remember how fast it all happened. I gave some quick hugs to the boys down in the hostel and went up to load my things into the winger. I gave the girls their pictures from me with little messages. I tried to keep looking in their faces to remember exactly how the Lord made each one uniquely different, uniquely beautiful and uniquely handsome. 

I didn't cry as I was preparing to leave even though it would happen. I know this only happened this way because I insisted/demanded that I be able to take my oldest boys (Muthu, Robert, Suban, and Silas) with me. I didn't care if I had to pay for their way there and back; I was not leaving this home alone.

In the last moments I did the one thing that was seen down upon for so long: I gave all the girls hugs. I figured it was my last day and I didn't care that it wasn't the most appropriate thing in Indian culture. I was going to hug my kids if it was the last thing I did to show them another token of my love. 

I hugged Ella last. It was tender. As my illegit wife and mother to my 27 kids, I was going to miss her most definitely. Who was going to stop the foolishness and eat pancakes with her? Who was going to make pancakes for her?? Who was going to be the pb to her J, the black to her white, the illegit husband to the family we had formed? 

I gave her a real American hug and she cried.

I got on the winger and we began to drive away and And I remember thinking this was a terrible dream. After the kids left my line of sight I remember looking up at the boys hostel and seeing Roben and Mama wave goodbye. I didn't give them a proper parting. 

The rest of the day was only bearable because I had my boys with me. They made the sting not as bad. We took pictures and laughed and reminisced. But I was crying inside. I was only going to be with them a couple more hours. Then I may never see them again. 

The airport drop off was a bit much for me. I gave them all my last pieces of young wisdom and gave them all long hugs and told them to behave. I dropped some money in their hands and pushed my bags into the airport. I kept turning back to see their faces one last time. When they were out of sight's view, that's when the realization began to hit me and I went into a state of anguish and panic. 

The tears were trying to come but I promised myself I would keep it together until I got on the plane. 

Side note: I lost it in the plane 

And so now it's been 365 days, on this blessed thanksgiving that I hit the anniversary. It's quite a way to spend thanksgiving seeing as how last time I was traveling during it and this year I have plenty to be thankful for even with them alone. 

I am thankful I had the privilege to teach and be taught. Thankful to love and be loved seriously. Thankful to be called their "sir" their "dad". 

Not everyone gets this luxury you know. Not all persons get the opportunity to love and be loved by such a great group of people. Not everyone gets the opportunity to see Jesus in such a way 

Being back in the States is still no easier today than it was at day 1. I think I'm just learning contentment with the way things are. Many days, things are falling apart overseas and I want to just play the hero and help Out my kids and family there. But then the Lord reminds me that He holds them even more closely than I do. He loves them even more deeply than I do. He's so much more for them even than I am. 

And while being here may some days be the worst, I'm learning a daily lesson that God is writing my story and right now, they just aren't in the chapter the way I would want them to be. 

Don't worry, they are still a part of my life. I have never tried so hard to stay in touch with a group of people. Calling, FaceTimeing and sending packages to them are some of my favorite pastimes. I am determined to let them know that just because I am physically gone, I am never really gone. I think it paints a faint picture of How even though Jesus isn't physically with us walking and talking with us, He's even more present in our lives than the person on the other side of that thin wall... If we let him be. 

So with that, I'll keep pushing and pressing on the upward way, and with Christ at the center, I'll make it.

I am going to see my kids in a few short months and that keeps me going too. However I am praying that the promise of seeing them in heaven forever if we all choose Jesus is a bigger push for Christ like perfection and surrender. 

Because then the only separation we'll have is one of how long it takes our wings to get us back together. And I think I can deal with that degree of separation. 

Hobey ho and Lord come quickly and grant us mercy 

6 months

"Your children growing up is one of the most tragic things a parent can face....but a far greater tragedy would be them never growing up and making their own mistakes and using their own wings. You may never have them together again in the old ways, but the new ways are just as beautiful and perhaps you treasure them more because you know how fleeting they are."  -- The Marie Tenold

I have a little less than 6 months until I get to return home. I know using the word "home" may be strange because I have been back in America for the same amount of time as I was originally gone. And that is kinda scary. Scary because it's surreal to know it actually happened. Also surreal to know that it could happen again. That I could go back. That I could see my kids again. Very surreal.

I haven't written a blog in over 8 months. That's more than half a year. I'm not really good at this blog thing. But I'm going to try to post things here and there until my return to India.

I've been talking to my kids per usual and it's still the highlight of each week when I get to hear their voices, see their faces through FaceTime, or just knowing they are alive and well. I stay pretty updated with Ella still being there. I can't imagine how different it would be if she was not around. I wouldn't know anything. The kids tell me stuff sometimes, but normally I have to ask them about subjects that Ella gives me the scoop about.

Like today, I talked with my Assam-hero son, Robert, also the pretty boy jock of my boys. He was telling me his aspirations to be a doctor and was weighing his options. To do or not to do. He knows he would be behind but I tried to assure him that if he really wanted to help ppl in that way, then he would have to be committed and just do it. Praying about it was of course my first advice concerning it all. He mentioned that if he decided to take on the challenge, he would have to live in Pune with his friend and work and go to school out there. The schooling in that part of India is better than in Kolkata or Meghalaya. Even though I was excited about the possibilities, i was reminded of another sad truth that continues to hit me again and again in the face: when i return to India, things will not be the way they used to be.

Things have been changing since the day I left because change doesn't wait to happen while you're away. It keep happening. Many of the teachers have left and more will be leaving soon. many teachers have arrived and more will come soon. Many of my students (kids) have gone to new schools, gone home, plan on going to other schools, and so on. other students, ones who aren't my kids, have showed up and changed the structure of Springs of Love School. when i step back on that beautiful red, muddy soil, the sun will be shining differently, the rain falling in a different direction, and the air will have a foreign smell, because things will not be as they once were. 

i will be elated to see my kids. don't you worry about that. however, i won't see them all at the same time. i will probably spend more time traveling to see this kid or that one or this staff or that staff than actually settling down and enjoying it all. it will be 30 days of memory-making and i plan to make years of memories in the days given. 

even though i discuss with Ella how much i wish things were back in the olden days with all 27 kids and funs times, she always prepares me with the cold hard facts that it won't be that way. "why do my kids have to grow up and graduate?" "why do they have to go onward to work and university and marriage and moving away and all the other things that life throws at you?" "why can't we all just stay in one place and repeat the same year over and over again, a vortex of time that can't be added to or taken away from?" i don't want them to grow up and leave me, even though i have already left them. i don't want to return as the missing piece to our beautiful puzzle picture, just to realize that I'm not the only piece missing.

and then Ella hit me with the deep quote from her mother, who we just call, Marie. (refer to the cat poster worthy deep quote above)

how right she is, i realize. its a sad situation but one i must accept. even though i would love to return and it be like feb-nov 2015, deep down, i know its better for that not to be the case. my kids need to move on. they need to grow. they need to fall down. they need to get back up. they need to make mistakes. they need to realize those mistakes and apologize. they need to forgive. they need to hurt. they need to have joy. they need to smile, to cry, to laugh, to sing, to dance, to live. they need to live without me. not that i can no longer be a part of their lives, but that they can do what i am doing now: living on my own trying to do this adult thing and living for Jesus the best way i know how. moreover, praying that i can do something with this little old life that has been given to me. i know my parents would hate to have me still living in the house, not making choices, and making mistakes, and taking risks, and risking my comfort, and stepping out in faith and the like. they don't like to have me or my other brothers out of the house and doing our own things; but i do know they take comfort and pride knowing that we are living. that we are going. that we are moving on, growing, falling down, getting back up, apologizing, hurting and having joy, smiling, laughing, crying, and cutting out our own path in this life. I know they pray that God's light will be what is leading me and that i will keep my eyes on him no matter what. because honestly, this is not our final home as we know. but sometimes i wonder if we believe it. 

this really isn't our final home. its full of goodbyes, and hurricanes, and death, and hunger, and crazy elections, and proud people, and pointless activities, and lacking what God truly wanted us to have: communion with Him. And since He can't go on too much longer without having us near Him, He's preparing to come back. which is more surreal than the thought that i have been back in america for 10 months. 

and considering that my trip back to india will also be short-lived, i want even more for Jesus to come back so we can all stop crying and falling down and being apart, and be smiling, and laughing, and getting up and being together forever. but in order to do that, we all have to walk our own paths, go our own ways. each one will be specifically unique and beautiful. however, for those who make it, we will see on the end that we were all just one small thread on the same rope bound together by Jesus who pulled us along the way. and that's kinda cool to think about. 

so i am learning to let go but hold on to the assurance that my Jesus will make it all right again. he will bring us back together again for longer than 30 days and we won't have to go through the turmoil of being apart. he will wipe tears, and cast our fears forever, he will tear down walls and put up ones that keep evil out. he will have us all in one place and that place will have him at the center. and what a day, glorious day that will be.

and so the countdown begins again. 6 months until i go back. ____ months until the great Comeback where we'll all be making memories and smiling and being together forever and all that jazz.

even so come, Lord.

even so…

Praise be.

Trying To Smile

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." -- Jeffrey Harmon Brownlow

I stay up to date with my friend Heather Bholender and her husband Jeremy Sterndale through her frequent blog. She's very faithful in updating it and I decided I should get back to mine and be faithful.

I haven't blogged in a while because it's hard. Being back in America is hard. When I blog about being back in America, I just remember blogging in India and all the joys I experienced on a daily basis. Yes I have experienced the joys of seeing old faces, old friends, eating old foods and doing old things. They do provide some happiness. I'm trying to hold on to it and remind myself that this is just where I'm going to be for awhile.

However I get the most joy from spontaneously calling my kids. I truly praise the Lord for Skype credit. It's the only way I get to regularly communicate with them. I try to call my boys especially as least twice a week and see how they are. I don't like talking on the phone with them too much because I can tell it's awkward for them. Even though I would rather hear them talk, I end up filling up all the awkward silences with all of my talking and questions and answers. But when I hear them laugh or hear them even say something it makes my heart the most happy.

I also get the most joy when I go to the store to buy them things to send them in the mail. There is nothing more reckless for me right now than shopping for my kids. I'm kinda that father who goes to the store and buys all the things that I feel that my kids would like. I actually mailed off all of the things just yesterday.

Besides calling my kids and buying them things, I'm not doing a whole lot. I'm currently in Chattanooga with some friends just passing the time away and waiting for my job to start in Florida. With all this free time upon me, I think about my kids a lot. When I dwell on what I had with them and the times that I miss the most, it makes me sad.

Very sad actually.

Because my heart's desire is to be with them. To travel to their villages and meet their families. To play uno with the boys and hear their crazy jokes and stories. To laugh with the girls and go for roaming. To see Jesus in them on a daily basis. To love and be loved by 27 Incredible children.

But then that sadness reminds me of how thankful I must be. I must be thankful and happy because I got that opportunity. It was and is mine. Such privilege I was given to be all part of the greater picture in God's kingdom. True, it's absolutely heart breaking some days when I wake up and I'm not in my mosquito net. Those are the rough days, when I call my children, talk to them for hours, get off the phone and remember that I am days of journeying away from them.

But then there are the good days. The days where I look at my pictures and think, "wow! Bless. Bless it all for such a time as this."

It happened. It really happened

And that's beautiful. And worth it. And the reason why I'm trying to smile. I mean I have at least 27 reasons to do so. Plus it is a lot harder to frown anyway.

In the sad, although it may be hard, I'll try to press forward with that smile, because in the end, it truly. Did. Happen.

Lots of bless!