365 days of Separation

"Even when more time passes, it doesn't necessarily get easier. You just become more accepting of the things you can't change."

365 days ago, I was scrambling for the last couple of things to put in my bag. 

I was finishing up the final touches of the kids' gifts and putting them into a box

I was gathering the belongings I didn't want to take back to America with me. 

I was preparing to leave home. 

I remember how fast it all happened. I gave some quick hugs to the boys down in the hostel and went up to load my things into the winger. I gave the girls their pictures from me with little messages. I tried to keep looking in their faces to remember exactly how the Lord made each one uniquely different, uniquely beautiful and uniquely handsome. 

I didn't cry as I was preparing to leave even though it would happen. I know this only happened this way because I insisted/demanded that I be able to take my oldest boys (Muthu, Robert, Suban, and Silas) with me. I didn't care if I had to pay for their way there and back; I was not leaving this home alone.

In the last moments I did the one thing that was seen down upon for so long: I gave all the girls hugs. I figured it was my last day and I didn't care that it wasn't the most appropriate thing in Indian culture. I was going to hug my kids if it was the last thing I did to show them another token of my love. 

I hugged Ella last. It was tender. As my illegit wife and mother to my 27 kids, I was going to miss her most definitely. Who was going to stop the foolishness and eat pancakes with her? Who was going to make pancakes for her?? Who was going to be the pb to her J, the black to her white, the illegit husband to the family we had formed? 

I gave her a real American hug and she cried.

I got on the winger and we began to drive away and And I remember thinking this was a terrible dream. After the kids left my line of sight I remember looking up at the boys hostel and seeing Roben and Mama wave goodbye. I didn't give them a proper parting. 

The rest of the day was only bearable because I had my boys with me. They made the sting not as bad. We took pictures and laughed and reminisced. But I was crying inside. I was only going to be with them a couple more hours. Then I may never see them again. 

The airport drop off was a bit much for me. I gave them all my last pieces of young wisdom and gave them all long hugs and told them to behave. I dropped some money in their hands and pushed my bags into the airport. I kept turning back to see their faces one last time. When they were out of sight's view, that's when the realization began to hit me and I went into a state of anguish and panic. 

The tears were trying to come but I promised myself I would keep it together until I got on the plane. 

Side note: I lost it in the plane 

And so now it's been 365 days, on this blessed thanksgiving that I hit the anniversary. It's quite a way to spend thanksgiving seeing as how last time I was traveling during it and this year I have plenty to be thankful for even with them alone. 

I am thankful I had the privilege to teach and be taught. Thankful to love and be loved seriously. Thankful to be called their "sir" their "dad". 

Not everyone gets this luxury you know. Not all persons get the opportunity to love and be loved by such a great group of people. Not everyone gets the opportunity to see Jesus in such a way 

Being back in the States is still no easier today than it was at day 1. I think I'm just learning contentment with the way things are. Many days, things are falling apart overseas and I want to just play the hero and help Out my kids and family there. But then the Lord reminds me that He holds them even more closely than I do. He loves them even more deeply than I do. He's so much more for them even than I am. 

And while being here may some days be the worst, I'm learning a daily lesson that God is writing my story and right now, they just aren't in the chapter the way I would want them to be. 

Don't worry, they are still a part of my life. I have never tried so hard to stay in touch with a group of people. Calling, FaceTimeing and sending packages to them are some of my favorite pastimes. I am determined to let them know that just because I am physically gone, I am never really gone. I think it paints a faint picture of How even though Jesus isn't physically with us walking and talking with us, He's even more present in our lives than the person on the other side of that thin wall... If we let him be. 

So with that, I'll keep pushing and pressing on the upward way, and with Christ at the center, I'll make it.

I am going to see my kids in a few short months and that keeps me going too. However I am praying that the promise of seeing them in heaven forever if we all choose Jesus is a bigger push for Christ like perfection and surrender. 

Because then the only separation we'll have is one of how long it takes our wings to get us back together. And I think I can deal with that degree of separation. 

Hobey ho and Lord come quickly and grant us mercy