6 months

"Your children growing up is one of the most tragic things a parent can face....but a far greater tragedy would be them never growing up and making their own mistakes and using their own wings. You may never have them together again in the old ways, but the new ways are just as beautiful and perhaps you treasure them more because you know how fleeting they are."  -- The Marie Tenold

I have a little less than 6 months until I get to return home. I know using the word "home" may be strange because I have been back in America for the same amount of time as I was originally gone. And that is kinda scary. Scary because it's surreal to know it actually happened. Also surreal to know that it could happen again. That I could go back. That I could see my kids again. Very surreal.

I haven't written a blog in over 8 months. That's more than half a year. I'm not really good at this blog thing. But I'm going to try to post things here and there until my return to India.

I've been talking to my kids per usual and it's still the highlight of each week when I get to hear their voices, see their faces through FaceTime, or just knowing they are alive and well. I stay pretty updated with Ella still being there. I can't imagine how different it would be if she was not around. I wouldn't know anything. The kids tell me stuff sometimes, but normally I have to ask them about subjects that Ella gives me the scoop about.

Like today, I talked with my Assam-hero son, Robert, also the pretty boy jock of my boys. He was telling me his aspirations to be a doctor and was weighing his options. To do or not to do. He knows he would be behind but I tried to assure him that if he really wanted to help ppl in that way, then he would have to be committed and just do it. Praying about it was of course my first advice concerning it all. He mentioned that if he decided to take on the challenge, he would have to live in Pune with his friend and work and go to school out there. The schooling in that part of India is better than in Kolkata or Meghalaya. Even though I was excited about the possibilities, i was reminded of another sad truth that continues to hit me again and again in the face: when i return to India, things will not be the way they used to be.

Things have been changing since the day I left because change doesn't wait to happen while you're away. It keep happening. Many of the teachers have left and more will be leaving soon. many teachers have arrived and more will come soon. Many of my students (kids) have gone to new schools, gone home, plan on going to other schools, and so on. other students, ones who aren't my kids, have showed up and changed the structure of Springs of Love School. when i step back on that beautiful red, muddy soil, the sun will be shining differently, the rain falling in a different direction, and the air will have a foreign smell, because things will not be as they once were. 

i will be elated to see my kids. don't you worry about that. however, i won't see them all at the same time. i will probably spend more time traveling to see this kid or that one or this staff or that staff than actually settling down and enjoying it all. it will be 30 days of memory-making and i plan to make years of memories in the days given. 

even though i discuss with Ella how much i wish things were back in the olden days with all 27 kids and funs times, she always prepares me with the cold hard facts that it won't be that way. "why do my kids have to grow up and graduate?" "why do they have to go onward to work and university and marriage and moving away and all the other things that life throws at you?" "why can't we all just stay in one place and repeat the same year over and over again, a vortex of time that can't be added to or taken away from?" i don't want them to grow up and leave me, even though i have already left them. i don't want to return as the missing piece to our beautiful puzzle picture, just to realize that I'm not the only piece missing.

and then Ella hit me with the deep quote from her mother, who we just call, Marie. (refer to the cat poster worthy deep quote above)

how right she is, i realize. its a sad situation but one i must accept. even though i would love to return and it be like feb-nov 2015, deep down, i know its better for that not to be the case. my kids need to move on. they need to grow. they need to fall down. they need to get back up. they need to make mistakes. they need to realize those mistakes and apologize. they need to forgive. they need to hurt. they need to have joy. they need to smile, to cry, to laugh, to sing, to dance, to live. they need to live without me. not that i can no longer be a part of their lives, but that they can do what i am doing now: living on my own trying to do this adult thing and living for Jesus the best way i know how. moreover, praying that i can do something with this little old life that has been given to me. i know my parents would hate to have me still living in the house, not making choices, and making mistakes, and taking risks, and risking my comfort, and stepping out in faith and the like. they don't like to have me or my other brothers out of the house and doing our own things; but i do know they take comfort and pride knowing that we are living. that we are going. that we are moving on, growing, falling down, getting back up, apologizing, hurting and having joy, smiling, laughing, crying, and cutting out our own path in this life. I know they pray that God's light will be what is leading me and that i will keep my eyes on him no matter what. because honestly, this is not our final home as we know. but sometimes i wonder if we believe it. 

this really isn't our final home. its full of goodbyes, and hurricanes, and death, and hunger, and crazy elections, and proud people, and pointless activities, and lacking what God truly wanted us to have: communion with Him. And since He can't go on too much longer without having us near Him, He's preparing to come back. which is more surreal than the thought that i have been back in america for 10 months. 

and considering that my trip back to india will also be short-lived, i want even more for Jesus to come back so we can all stop crying and falling down and being apart, and be smiling, and laughing, and getting up and being together forever. but in order to do that, we all have to walk our own paths, go our own ways. each one will be specifically unique and beautiful. however, for those who make it, we will see on the end that we were all just one small thread on the same rope bound together by Jesus who pulled us along the way. and that's kinda cool to think about. 

so i am learning to let go but hold on to the assurance that my Jesus will make it all right again. he will bring us back together again for longer than 30 days and we won't have to go through the turmoil of being apart. he will wipe tears, and cast our fears forever, he will tear down walls and put up ones that keep evil out. he will have us all in one place and that place will have him at the center. and what a day, glorious day that will be.

and so the countdown begins again. 6 months until i go back. ____ months until the great Comeback where we'll all be making memories and smiling and being together forever and all that jazz.

even so come, Lord.

even so…

Praise be.