I Thought I Was Ready

"It's ok to say 'I'm not ok with this' when the pain is fresh and you don't know what to do. But also be kind to yourself and remind yourself that someday…it will be."

I'm currently sitting in an airport in Mumbai, India, about 12 hours post leaving my kids and family for the second time. And everything has been going fine since this morning. I was able to leave the school this morning after hugging all my kids and family and not shed a tear. One of my oldest boys and I went to the airport and I didn't cry when he left. I didn't really even cry when the plane took off. I think its because I left so many times for small trips here and there this year. It was a busy time in my life. And honestly I feel like i'll be going back in a week tops.

But then I got on the plane and got a little bored with the flight. So I decided to take out the cards that some of the boys made for me that morning in my house. The funny thing is that the arts and crafts stuff that I left on my table was for the sake of writing and decorating letters to them. They ended up using all the stickers for my own letters they wrote to me.

But when I started reading their messages to me, I realized I was not ok. I realized that these new kids had opened up and occupied a certain spot in my heart that can't be filled with anyone else on this carnal planet. I realized that even though I was able to hold it together when I left this morning, I may break down later. I may wake up in the middle of the night in America and realize that I'm in America and that I'm not waking up from a dream, sleeping in my mosquito net too small for my large body. The boys won't be beyond the wall sleeping or being loud or wanting to squeeze themselves into every single part of my life. The girls won't be across the hill. They won't be able to wish me good morning and they won't tell me about their exercise that some of the other girls laugh about and call "simply stretching"

The boys won't knock on my door and ask me how I slept. They won't try to jump on me. They won't call me to go for food and I won't have bread for breakfast. Many things won't happen as they have for the past year and I'm simply not ok with it. I thought I would be. But I'm simply not.

I don't know how life is going to be when I get back to America. I'm sure ill eat my cupcake and have my pizza and burritos and see my family that I have missed over the year. But I can't promise that the high associated with being back in America and having good cell phone service will last very long. I've realized it's going to be a little lonely on that side of the pond. I won't be responsible for 39 boys of various ages. I won't have to tell them to get up for food or go to class. I won't have to make sure they're not roaming around at night time. I won't have them inside my personal space every waking moment of my life, which I actually didn't mind. I won't have any of that and it will last more than the usual week when I was away on work.

And all these things and more remind me that I'm actually not ok. And I don't know how long it will take me to recover, to get through this reentry into American life and working in a structured environment and all the other things that come with being back in the land of the free. I don't know how many times ill cry. I don't know how many days I will want to do nothing but just sit at home looking at pictures of them because i'll miss them so much. I don't know how many functions i'll miss back in America because i'll be busy trying to call my kids and see how they are doing.

I don't know how long i'll not be ok.

But even in all of this, I know that I will be. I've been listening to one of bae's favorite songs by Tori Kelly called "A Soul's Anthem." Its her rendition of the hymn "It is Well" which is a powerful hymn to start out with. But I've been singing it to myself for about a week now as I got ready to go. The song came with its inclusion of tears and ugly faces but I still kept listening to it. I needed to know in my mind that it was well in my soul despite the myriad of emotions and personal things going on in my life right now. I needed to know that it is well with my soul even though all I want to do is lounge in one of the boy's beds reading them a bedtime story or listening to them tell me something and touch my hair as if they are still completely fascinated with my style of curls. I needed to know that even if for some reason I don't ever come back to this country, that it was well. Do I want that last thing to happen? Of course not. But do I have to always be ready for the possibility? You bet your sweet face I do.

So I've been trying to be ok. And I will keep trying. Will I reach that point soon? God only knows. Am I ok now? No, and thanks for asking. Will I be ok? I suppose so.

But for now I think I haven't come to terms with the fact that It may take me a little longer than I expected to be ready for this part of my life.

But It's Worth It

"Do a work that's worth it. This way, when it batters and bruises you, or maybe hurts and uses you, at least you can say you counted the cost and it was worth it."

I never thought I would return to this jungle "paradise" for a second time. Even so, here I am for the third time. I use the word "paradise" lightly because some wouldn't believe that everyday life here is equal to any paradise they've ever known. Yet, it's works for me. 

I assist in caring for 30-45 boys ranging from ages 9-22 years of age. This includes some students-turned-staff who I cared for from before, who although older and juggling more responsibilities, still require guidance as they navigate it all. The job can be taxing, as my own responsibilities seem to multiply with each passing day: covering cuts and bruises, leading expeditions of discovery, responding to every question and concern the boys can possibly think of. 

Caring for them has taught me numerous lessons, like the need of structure and discipline in the lives of children, or that sometimes kids don't need anything except to know that you are there. Sometimes they just want to be around you because they know that you care. And for these kids, thats goes a long way. 

Living with these boys, especially, has given me some understanding of the nature of parenting. Do I have all the answers yet? No. Have I made many mistakes? Yes. Am I on my knees enough asking the Lord for continued wisdom and guidance? I know I should be in that position more often because this job is hard. Eating last or sharing your food because you want them to be fed is hard. Disciplining behavior that is not acceptable hurts more than I thought it would. Staying up late or losing sleep so that they can rest and be well taxes the body. Its a sacrifice.

Yet, its not a true sacrifice in comparison to Christ's that He made for each and every one of us. It wasn't convenient for Him to give up His place in heaven to save retches like us. It was difficult beyond compare to walk the life of humility and self-denial. It hurt to have His people deny and crucify him. But to Him, it was worth it. For the chance to choose Him, He took each stripe willingly. For our salvation, He died our death. 

Likewise, it's worth it for me. To see their smiles, it makes the thousand questions worth answering. To see them happy, its rewarding to adventure even when tired . To know they feel loved and cared for, it's worth it to give what I can. 

My prayer is that I never grow tired of doing for them what the Lord has done for me. He never gave up on me; so by His grace, I will have the strength to never give up on these kids. For if I have learned anything from my many escapades to my little paradise, just being loved by them makes it one hundred percent worth it. 

Hobey ho

Sir Kam