"It's ok to say 'I'm not ok with this' when the pain is fresh and you don't know what to do. But also be kind to yourself and remind yourself that someday…it will be."
I'm currently sitting in an airport in Mumbai, India, about 12 hours post leaving my kids and family for the second time. And everything has been going fine since this morning. I was able to leave the school this morning after hugging all my kids and family and not shed a tear. One of my oldest boys and I went to the airport and I didn't cry when he left. I didn't really even cry when the plane took off. I think its because I left so many times for small trips here and there this year. It was a busy time in my life. And honestly I feel like i'll be going back in a week tops.
But then I got on the plane and got a little bored with the flight. So I decided to take out the cards that some of the boys made for me that morning in my house. The funny thing is that the arts and crafts stuff that I left on my table was for the sake of writing and decorating letters to them. They ended up using all the stickers for my own letters they wrote to me.
But when I started reading their messages to me, I realized I was not ok. I realized that these new kids had opened up and occupied a certain spot in my heart that can't be filled with anyone else on this carnal planet. I realized that even though I was able to hold it together when I left this morning, I may break down later. I may wake up in the middle of the night in America and realize that I'm in America and that I'm not waking up from a dream, sleeping in my mosquito net too small for my large body. The boys won't be beyond the wall sleeping or being loud or wanting to squeeze themselves into every single part of my life. The girls won't be across the hill. They won't be able to wish me good morning and they won't tell me about their exercise that some of the other girls laugh about and call "simply stretching"
The boys won't knock on my door and ask me how I slept. They won't try to jump on me. They won't call me to go for food and I won't have bread for breakfast. Many things won't happen as they have for the past year and I'm simply not ok with it. I thought I would be. But I'm simply not.
I don't know how life is going to be when I get back to America. I'm sure ill eat my cupcake and have my pizza and burritos and see my family that I have missed over the year. But I can't promise that the high associated with being back in America and having good cell phone service will last very long. I've realized it's going to be a little lonely on that side of the pond. I won't be responsible for 39 boys of various ages. I won't have to tell them to get up for food or go to class. I won't have to make sure they're not roaming around at night time. I won't have them inside my personal space every waking moment of my life, which I actually didn't mind. I won't have any of that and it will last more than the usual week when I was away on work.
And all these things and more remind me that I'm actually not ok. And I don't know how long it will take me to recover, to get through this reentry into American life and working in a structured environment and all the other things that come with being back in the land of the free. I don't know how many times ill cry. I don't know how many days I will want to do nothing but just sit at home looking at pictures of them because i'll miss them so much. I don't know how many functions i'll miss back in America because i'll be busy trying to call my kids and see how they are doing.
I don't know how long i'll not be ok.
But even in all of this, I know that I will be. I've been listening to one of bae's favorite songs by Tori Kelly called "A Soul's Anthem." Its her rendition of the hymn "It is Well" which is a powerful hymn to start out with. But I've been singing it to myself for about a week now as I got ready to go. The song came with its inclusion of tears and ugly faces but I still kept listening to it. I needed to know in my mind that it was well in my soul despite the myriad of emotions and personal things going on in my life right now. I needed to know that it is well with my soul even though all I want to do is lounge in one of the boy's beds reading them a bedtime story or listening to them tell me something and touch my hair as if they are still completely fascinated with my style of curls. I needed to know that even if for some reason I don't ever come back to this country, that it was well. Do I want that last thing to happen? Of course not. But do I have to always be ready for the possibility? You bet your sweet face I do.
So I've been trying to be ok. And I will keep trying. Will I reach that point soon? God only knows. Am I ok now? No, and thanks for asking. Will I be ok? I suppose so.
But for now I think I haven't come to terms with the fact that It may take me a little longer than I expected to be ready for this part of my life.
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