Uncertainties

The following is a past blog post that I never completed until now.


"We must be content with God's no's just as much as we are content with His yes's" -- Momma Jeri

The last couple of weeks and months have been an absolute world wind of emotions and events. Every time I call Ella, something else has happened at our little jungle haven. More of the kids have moved on to bigger and sometimes better things. It's uncertain what exactly they will be doing.

At the moment, I also don't really know when I'm going back to India. Not that I'm not going at all; that would be almost suicide. But with all the uncertainties surrounding my kids's locations, I have had to reconsider how much time I would need to actually go see them all.

A couple of months ago, I put in another request for an additional two weeks time to make my "across the world" trip. I awaited approval, moved the dates around a couple of times, and then waited some more. My official requested time was two extra weeks tacked on prior to my original departure date. Ella wants to come back with me, and I promised her that I would.

I waited some time from my nurse manager who makes the schedule to get back to me. I remember getting up in the middle of the night just to check online if the time had been approved, like a kid waiting for a snow day to appear. I began to get obnoxious after waiting for some time. I sent my scheduler some emails asking when the days were going to be considered. I just wanted to know what to do and whether or not I needed to buy my ticket. I needed a yea or a no so I could stop biting my nails.

After some weeks, she finally sent me an email that my nurse manager would have to approve it herself. The next day, my nurse manager called me into her office. The conversation wasn't long and I won't go into detail about what we discussed. In the end, she couldn't give me the extra time I requested because we were understaffed and it was bad timing. Even though I didn't agree with her reasoning, I said my respects and left the office.

I was angry, of course, because I didn't get what I wanted. After talking with some coworkers about it, they told me I could go through the grapevine to get some of the time back. Their original idea sounded great, a little shady, but great. However considering its nature and how it could affect me at work, destroying my integrity, my character, the character of Christ that was I was trying to emulate, I decided against it.

Instead I wrote a letter. It was sappy. I chronicled some highlights of my time there. I told a story, shared a joke and tried to pull at the heart strings of my boss and have her see things in my eyes.

After much prayer, soul searching, and weighing all my options, I sealed the note in an envelope and slid it underneath the door of my manager and walked out, not looking back.

Much like Jesus wants us to pick up our cross, follow Him, and not turn or even look back into the lives we just left. I'm 100 percent sure that what He has in store is better for us than the life we used to live. Yes there are some very big uncertainties about where he is going to lead you and what He is going to require of you; and yet, I was once uncertain about if this year overseas was a good idea. Many were. I was proved wrong of course. It was worth every leap of faith and ounce of trust I mustered.

And so now I have to wait again.

What is my boss going to say? Will she be merciful and let me have the extra time for the sake of some long lasting joy that I will forever cherish? Or will she be merciful and do a greater work in not letting me go because there is something else God has planned.

Not certain. But I'm learning to be ok with that.

Here we go.


Kameron Carter